The Women’s Bookshop Christmas Newsletter came today bringing a dull emotional pain and tears. Yet another year has passed and still my novel is not finished. It’s one of those small deaths bringing the grief. The characters I’ve created, their world from so long ago shimmers, like the dream they were. Never now, to attain any semblance of reality. Never to become black words on paper, images in people’s heads, wet tears on their cheeks or a sharp kick in the guts. I don’t want to let go of them or my identity as a writer. This is what I’ve been since I was a young girl. It’s the thing I was going to become, one day. A writer.
I flick through the newsletter and my grief transforms to anger, bitter spite and a thinly pointed hatred I shoot at particular writers who smile out yet another success. A taste of injustice, perhaps quite unearned, sours in my mouth. I’ve tried to read her and her and I found their writing wanting, thick like porridge, or simply uninteresting. But, it doesn’t matter if I think my writing is better. They are good because they finished their novels. They got their novels accepted by a publisher, printed, distributed and bought and read by an audience. They have an audience. They are someone. “…one of New Zealand’s best-loved writers, famous…” Famous!
Who am I? I’ve become many other things. Identities that weren’t in my child’s mind – researcher, mother, dancer, lecturer, mentor, consultant… things I do for money; things I became in the, what’s now obviously a mistaken, belief that becoming an expert would enable me to earn more per hour and then I could work less hours and have more time for writing. Then I’d have time to do what I truly want to do, my true profession; be my real self. But, no. I scribble this on a pad atop the breadcrumb strewn chopping board. Delaying. Fudging for time. Sending my daughter back to the TV instead of making an event out of making jelly; cleaning up dishes; getting dinner on.
I taste injustice because I imagine these women, these “award-winning” “highly successful local and international” authors don’t sort out their words from the crumbs off the bench. They probably have a-room-of-their-own. They have time and somehow they’ve been gifted freedom from labouring. I imagine they were privileged to begin with: white colonists from well-to-do backgrounds, families with money and that old-English support for women to pen women’s stories. They’re networked. They know people: publishers, editors, kind reviewers. “It’s who you know…” I tell myself. Weak consolation for my sense of failure and disappointment.
Creative New Zealand gave me a grant once, which enabled me to take 3 months off. If only they’d made it 6. I would have finished the novel. It’s nearly finished. It’s been nearly finished ever since then. Since then, I’ve not had more than a few hours at a time to put to it and those few hours are sometimes months apart.
This is stupid, self-deprecating rubbish. Of course I am a writer. The majority of my written poems, short stories and academic writing have been published. I don’t have a collection of rejection slips - this is not the common tale told by made-it authors to encourage wannabes at festivals. In the last year, I’ve had 5 scientific journal articles and 1 chapter in an International Encyclopedia published! And, yet it’s the pages of The Women’s Bookshop newsletter that I want to feature in. To be among those who inspire other women.
The newsletter promises that Barbara Anderson’s Autobiography Getting There is inspiring. Instead of feeling deflated by her prolific success, I decide I should buy her book and find out how she became a published, known, loved and famous writer. Surely there’s a trick or two in there for me. Even those who seek to inspire need inspiration from time to time.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Thursday, November 20, 2008
HOLES IN THE CARPET, PEDOPHILES AND TAKING A STAND AGAINST THE SEXUAL ABUSE OF CHILDREN
Multiple bursts of fireworks race each other upwards, as if responding to a common trigger. It’s very very windy and raining but still people huddle about in the cold to celebrate or commemorate or simply party together. If only there could be a similarly apparent co-ordinated response to the sexual abuse of children.
I’m musing over having to come off a committee. I’m one of two remaining founding members. I’m one of the holders of the ‘institutional memory’ of the group. But, I’ve got to resign and I don’t think it’s right that I should be the one that has to leave.
We had a new member start last meeting and soon after, a colleague said I “should know” that the guy is “a pedophile.” A heavy accusation. She laid out what she knew about the ‘evidence’ - the two vulnerable young boys he’d befriended (groomed is now the term being applied to those relationships in retrospect). He legally adopted one and later took in the second. Child porn was found on his computer. One of the boys rang someone once to complain about inappropriate ‘touching.’ But somehow all the ‘evidence’ was vanished in a deal when the guy was sacked or asked to move on from his job at the time. No official or legal investigations occurred.
The witnesses, of substantial character, pass on their story like a Chinese Whisper and it spreads via the ‘kumara vine’ – primarily to alert parents of children so they can rightfully make an informed choice about whether or not they want this man meeting their children. Based on what I’ve heard, I do not want him to meet my daughter.
Neither am I happy to sit in meetings with him and act like there’s nothing amiss. He spoke of these two boys as if they were his natural sons that he had raised from babes. I assumed he was heterosexual and there’d been a mother somewhere along the line. Meanwhile, others have explained away the ‘rumour’ as malicious gay-bashing – he’s a gay man with a young lover – that’s what they had heard.
Given my principles, I can’t see how I cannot resign. 1. It is best to believe the victim and in this case there are credible witnesses – so I take it their perspective is grounded in reality and the guy has a problem, which he has always and still denies. 2. To do nothing is to collude with the abuser, so I have to do something. 3. There is no ‘evidence’ that any official could act upon; there is no one to report this to = so, there is only me willing to act and all I can do is talk directly to the guy (whilst at the same time avoiding giving him a case for libel/defamation); and the only other thing I can do is withdraw my support for him to be on the committee and resign because I do not want to work with him (though I won’t be able to state why).
I’m angry that his nominee, the person who recommended this guys appointment to the committee, knew about the story already and is now promoting this guys career. I’m angry that insufficient action was taken when there was ‘evidence’ – that the guy’s employer at that time did not do the right thing. I’m even angry that the tale is being spread and it was told to me, because I lose involvement in this committee.
An ex once said I had too much integrity. How can you have too much integrity? I thought. Well, this is one of those times when that integrity bites me. So, I did it. I emailed the guy, told him I did not want to work with him, did not support his being on the committee and I suggested he might like to pass on this particular commitment. A couple of days before the next meeting I resigned. A day later, the guy emailed saying that if I was going to act on malicious rumour then he didn’t want to work with me and it was unsafe for him to continue on the committee! So, I presume he resigned also.
Tee’s grandmother has cut all these pieces out of the carpet in her lounge room. We’re like, ‘um, what happened to your carpet?’ She replies. ‘It was the cat. I couldn’t get the smell of the shit out any other way.’ Somehow, this ‘pedophile’ incident is like that. It’s over (I hope), but there’s these unsightly holes in my carpet.
I’m musing over having to come off a committee. I’m one of two remaining founding members. I’m one of the holders of the ‘institutional memory’ of the group. But, I’ve got to resign and I don’t think it’s right that I should be the one that has to leave.
We had a new member start last meeting and soon after, a colleague said I “should know” that the guy is “a pedophile.” A heavy accusation. She laid out what she knew about the ‘evidence’ - the two vulnerable young boys he’d befriended (groomed is now the term being applied to those relationships in retrospect). He legally adopted one and later took in the second. Child porn was found on his computer. One of the boys rang someone once to complain about inappropriate ‘touching.’ But somehow all the ‘evidence’ was vanished in a deal when the guy was sacked or asked to move on from his job at the time. No official or legal investigations occurred.
The witnesses, of substantial character, pass on their story like a Chinese Whisper and it spreads via the ‘kumara vine’ – primarily to alert parents of children so they can rightfully make an informed choice about whether or not they want this man meeting their children. Based on what I’ve heard, I do not want him to meet my daughter.
Neither am I happy to sit in meetings with him and act like there’s nothing amiss. He spoke of these two boys as if they were his natural sons that he had raised from babes. I assumed he was heterosexual and there’d been a mother somewhere along the line. Meanwhile, others have explained away the ‘rumour’ as malicious gay-bashing – he’s a gay man with a young lover – that’s what they had heard.
Given my principles, I can’t see how I cannot resign. 1. It is best to believe the victim and in this case there are credible witnesses – so I take it their perspective is grounded in reality and the guy has a problem, which he has always and still denies. 2. To do nothing is to collude with the abuser, so I have to do something. 3. There is no ‘evidence’ that any official could act upon; there is no one to report this to = so, there is only me willing to act and all I can do is talk directly to the guy (whilst at the same time avoiding giving him a case for libel/defamation); and the only other thing I can do is withdraw my support for him to be on the committee and resign because I do not want to work with him (though I won’t be able to state why).
I’m angry that his nominee, the person who recommended this guys appointment to the committee, knew about the story already and is now promoting this guys career. I’m angry that insufficient action was taken when there was ‘evidence’ – that the guy’s employer at that time did not do the right thing. I’m even angry that the tale is being spread and it was told to me, because I lose involvement in this committee.
An ex once said I had too much integrity. How can you have too much integrity? I thought. Well, this is one of those times when that integrity bites me. So, I did it. I emailed the guy, told him I did not want to work with him, did not support his being on the committee and I suggested he might like to pass on this particular commitment. A couple of days before the next meeting I resigned. A day later, the guy emailed saying that if I was going to act on malicious rumour then he didn’t want to work with me and it was unsafe for him to continue on the committee! So, I presume he resigned also.
Tee’s grandmother has cut all these pieces out of the carpet in her lounge room. We’re like, ‘um, what happened to your carpet?’ She replies. ‘It was the cat. I couldn’t get the smell of the shit out any other way.’ Somehow, this ‘pedophile’ incident is like that. It’s over (I hope), but there’s these unsightly holes in my carpet.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
The Nitty Gritty on Nits (Head Lice)
No matter how tightly I clench my eyelids the menthol tingling of the muddy green Selsun Blue shampoo still feels like it’s eating through. I curse the nits Tee caught at Daycare. That was eight months ago but still my scalp itches – and it’s largely in my head that the lice got on my head. I only ever caught one adult lice almost as soon as it had found a stray strand of my hair to scuttle off on.
Pulling the tiny toothed nit comb through my 87cm length hair was excruciating – not because of the pain, but emotionally it was traumatic to see so much of my hair being torn out. And for nothing – no more live lice, no eggs, but an ongoing phobia I still itch from.
We got caught out. We knew nothing about nit prevention and had no warning from Daycare that lice were about. She was nearly three and a half years old and for the first time I saw her scratch her head in a determined way. She was ‘infested’ – that’s what it’s called when there’s so many adults you can see them easily if you part the hair and look. From the size of the babies, they’d been on Tee and happily breeding for over a week. But I didn’t know that until hours of research on the internet.
It was a midweek early evening. I raced off to an all night chemist for advice and products. I came home with over $100 of combs, a natural treatment, a few bottles of spray on treatment, a shampoo treatment, a nit-deterrent conditioner and an electric buzzing nit-finding comb. It was total overkill. But I thought we all had to be treated and I didn’t know what would work. We stripped Tee’s bed and ours and threw sheets, pillow cases, towels and anything else a nit could have got on in to the wash. Totally unnecessary, as I was to learn.
It took 34 days of combing through Tee’s hair every 2nd or third night to get rid of that first infestation. The second lot, four months later were caught early because we kept up a routine check: combing for nits weekly, then fortnightly, or immediately upon seeing head-scratching behaviour. They were eradicated within a fortnight.
Probably the saddest thing about my daughter getting nits is the effect it had on our intimacy. I found I was always trying to not allow our hair to come in to contact when she’s got nits and other times as a preventative. It felt like I was pushing her away.
I just can’t seem to get to blasé about nits because for me it’s not an option to just comb them out of my hair. I think now – oh well if I get them I’ll dye my hair (another Mum swore it killed off the bugs) and if that doesn’t work, I’ll try flyspray or some other nasty chemical. Luckily, so far, I haven’t had to do that because I haven’t got lice… I don’t think I’ve got lice… I better go check again… oh my head is soooo itchy…
Here’s my ‘easiest/cheapest effective solution to head lice.’
Once your child starts attending Daycare/Playcentre or School you need to start combing for head lice on a regular basis (once every 3 days or at least once a week). Do not rely on your child’s Daycare or school to alert you to a nit problem!
If you find lice, you need to comb for lice every second day (at the latest every third day).
COMBING METHOD
Plonk your child on a stool in front of the TV (or similar engrossing activity) and brush hair to remove knots. Spread conditioner through the hair (any conditioner will do. It is not necessary to buy expensive so-called nit-deterrent conditioners). Using a special nit comb, thoroughly comb through all the hair, covering the whole scalp (once may be enough if just checking to prevent lice getting established).
If lice got to lay eggs and you’re in a treatment cycle, go over the whole head a few times to be sure you have removed all the live lice. After each comb through, inspect the comb for lice and wipe clean on a tissue. The conditioner will not kill the lice or eggs that you have removed – so dispose of the tissue in to a plastic bag and bin.
Wash the conditioner out and shampoo hair as you normally would.
If in a treatment cycle (lice have laid eggs) you need to continue combing to remove newly hatched lice for just over a month (over 35 days) at least.
Alternative: If you don’t want to wash your child’s hair, e.g. because it is too late at night; instead of conditioner you can apply oil (e.g. oil for cradle cap, a lite vegetable cooking oil, a non-scented massage oil; 1-2 drops of tea-tree oil can be added but it is not going to kill eggs or lice or act as a deterrent and too much tea-tree oil can make children feel sick). The oil can be left on until the next day when at your convenience you can shampoo your child’s hair.
Head lice life cycle
It only takes one adult female lice that has mated with an adult male lice to crawl on to your child’s head from someone else’s hair – she will lay 4-8 eggs a night for up to 16 days. She will die after 32-35 days from being laid as a nit (egg).
Each egg hatches after 6-7 days. About 9-10 days later they will become reproductive adults and if a male and female are present they will mate and start laying more eggs.
This is why it is important to remove live lice every few days and continue to do so until all the eggs have hatched. So if lice have laid eggs on your child’s head and even if you find no live lice for 3 days check again 3 days later.
There are hundreds of websites on the issue but many contain inaccurate or insufficient information.
Myths
Lice do not fly or jump – they crawl quickly along the hair and from one hair to another. This is how they get on to other people’s heads. Hair infested with lice needs to come into close contact with hair on another persons head for lice to spread. When the hair is moved they run quickly down the hair and on to other hair coming in contact with the hair they are on. You can prevent lice spreading within the family by being careful about close contact of heads. Tie hair up.
You do not need to strip beds and wash all linen and clothes. Lice that have left the head are ill and dying anyway.
Nothing appropriate for use on a child’s head kills the eggs. There are stories around about desperate parents resorting to strong insecticide treatments used on animals or insects. Kia tupato! Be careful! Chemicals can pass through the scalp in to your child’s bloodstream and make them feel ill. Most people would frown upon the use of these treatments.
Chemical treatments may kill live lice but they can easily be removed manually. There is little benefit to using chemicals and other non-chemical treatments to kill lice, when the eggs are not killed by these treatments and newly hatched lice will appear within 1-2 days until all the eggs have hatched.
Possibly helpful precautionary measures
Tie your child’s hair up when they are going to be playing with other children.
Don’t allow children to share hats.
Pulling the tiny toothed nit comb through my 87cm length hair was excruciating – not because of the pain, but emotionally it was traumatic to see so much of my hair being torn out. And for nothing – no more live lice, no eggs, but an ongoing phobia I still itch from.
We got caught out. We knew nothing about nit prevention and had no warning from Daycare that lice were about. She was nearly three and a half years old and for the first time I saw her scratch her head in a determined way. She was ‘infested’ – that’s what it’s called when there’s so many adults you can see them easily if you part the hair and look. From the size of the babies, they’d been on Tee and happily breeding for over a week. But I didn’t know that until hours of research on the internet.
It was a midweek early evening. I raced off to an all night chemist for advice and products. I came home with over $100 of combs, a natural treatment, a few bottles of spray on treatment, a shampoo treatment, a nit-deterrent conditioner and an electric buzzing nit-finding comb. It was total overkill. But I thought we all had to be treated and I didn’t know what would work. We stripped Tee’s bed and ours and threw sheets, pillow cases, towels and anything else a nit could have got on in to the wash. Totally unnecessary, as I was to learn.
It took 34 days of combing through Tee’s hair every 2nd or third night to get rid of that first infestation. The second lot, four months later were caught early because we kept up a routine check: combing for nits weekly, then fortnightly, or immediately upon seeing head-scratching behaviour. They were eradicated within a fortnight.
Probably the saddest thing about my daughter getting nits is the effect it had on our intimacy. I found I was always trying to not allow our hair to come in to contact when she’s got nits and other times as a preventative. It felt like I was pushing her away.
I just can’t seem to get to blasé about nits because for me it’s not an option to just comb them out of my hair. I think now – oh well if I get them I’ll dye my hair (another Mum swore it killed off the bugs) and if that doesn’t work, I’ll try flyspray or some other nasty chemical. Luckily, so far, I haven’t had to do that because I haven’t got lice… I don’t think I’ve got lice… I better go check again… oh my head is soooo itchy…
Here’s my ‘easiest/cheapest effective solution to head lice.’
Once your child starts attending Daycare/Playcentre or School you need to start combing for head lice on a regular basis (once every 3 days or at least once a week). Do not rely on your child’s Daycare or school to alert you to a nit problem!
If you find lice, you need to comb for lice every second day (at the latest every third day).
COMBING METHOD
Plonk your child on a stool in front of the TV (or similar engrossing activity) and brush hair to remove knots. Spread conditioner through the hair (any conditioner will do. It is not necessary to buy expensive so-called nit-deterrent conditioners). Using a special nit comb, thoroughly comb through all the hair, covering the whole scalp (once may be enough if just checking to prevent lice getting established).
If lice got to lay eggs and you’re in a treatment cycle, go over the whole head a few times to be sure you have removed all the live lice. After each comb through, inspect the comb for lice and wipe clean on a tissue. The conditioner will not kill the lice or eggs that you have removed – so dispose of the tissue in to a plastic bag and bin.
Wash the conditioner out and shampoo hair as you normally would.
If in a treatment cycle (lice have laid eggs) you need to continue combing to remove newly hatched lice for just over a month (over 35 days) at least.
Alternative: If you don’t want to wash your child’s hair, e.g. because it is too late at night; instead of conditioner you can apply oil (e.g. oil for cradle cap, a lite vegetable cooking oil, a non-scented massage oil; 1-2 drops of tea-tree oil can be added but it is not going to kill eggs or lice or act as a deterrent and too much tea-tree oil can make children feel sick). The oil can be left on until the next day when at your convenience you can shampoo your child’s hair.
Head lice life cycle
It only takes one adult female lice that has mated with an adult male lice to crawl on to your child’s head from someone else’s hair – she will lay 4-8 eggs a night for up to 16 days. She will die after 32-35 days from being laid as a nit (egg).
Each egg hatches after 6-7 days. About 9-10 days later they will become reproductive adults and if a male and female are present they will mate and start laying more eggs.
This is why it is important to remove live lice every few days and continue to do so until all the eggs have hatched. So if lice have laid eggs on your child’s head and even if you find no live lice for 3 days check again 3 days later.
There are hundreds of websites on the issue but many contain inaccurate or insufficient information.
Myths
Lice do not fly or jump – they crawl quickly along the hair and from one hair to another. This is how they get on to other people’s heads. Hair infested with lice needs to come into close contact with hair on another persons head for lice to spread. When the hair is moved they run quickly down the hair and on to other hair coming in contact with the hair they are on. You can prevent lice spreading within the family by being careful about close contact of heads. Tie hair up.
You do not need to strip beds and wash all linen and clothes. Lice that have left the head are ill and dying anyway.
Nothing appropriate for use on a child’s head kills the eggs. There are stories around about desperate parents resorting to strong insecticide treatments used on animals or insects. Kia tupato! Be careful! Chemicals can pass through the scalp in to your child’s bloodstream and make them feel ill. Most people would frown upon the use of these treatments.
Chemical treatments may kill live lice but they can easily be removed manually. There is little benefit to using chemicals and other non-chemical treatments to kill lice, when the eggs are not killed by these treatments and newly hatched lice will appear within 1-2 days until all the eggs have hatched.
Possibly helpful precautionary measures
Tie your child’s hair up when they are going to be playing with other children.
Don’t allow children to share hats.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Do-Good Abductors
My 4 year old daughter was abducted today... for 8 minutes. For 5, 7, 8 or was it 10 or 15 minutes, she was gone leaving a silence and stillness like when someone dies. We were in a busy shopping mall, in a busy shop - time was passing by outside unnoticed. Tee, pink and blond, stood engrossed at the play table in the Wild Things store, immersed. Behind her I turned to pay for our butterfly wings. $3. 3 packets. Cash. Not Visa, not Eftpos. I fished the coins our of my wallet. The lady put our things in a bag. Tee was gone.
I checked down the aisles, shoulder height pillars hiding places. There was a cave in the corner, I didn't look in there. I shot outside to the trolley we'd been using, which she'd already returned to once when she decided it was time to go. She wasn't there. She wasn't anywhere just outside or on the couches or in the aisles of the lolly stand out front, or left or right - she was gone. Taken, I realised as she was nowhere in sight. TAKEN. I asked a family seated eating ice cream. I went back to the lady in the shop. She said I could call security from inside but I wanted to stay where Tee could see me. I didn't think I should move from outside the shop where we'd last been together in case she popped up and I wasn't there. Anyway, which way should I run for her? Should I scream for her?
All the movies and stories of abducted children shot through my brain. I didn't want to panic, must stay calm, find her. I asked the shopkeeper to ring security and I rang my partner, mobile phone battery fading fast. Clipped, I splurted. "I'm at Sylvia Park. I've lost Tee. Where are you? Can you come?" I needed help, needed more people to help find her - stay at the shop while I run about.
I heard the shopkeeper say my name and knew Tee was there, with security, at the information desk. Safe. But, for 5, 7, 10 minutes - a small era - she'd been taken and a fear like a tidal wave had risen to swamp me and shock set in to keep it at bay. I ran at last to get my baby back, to find out what had happened. Anger pumped blood so fast I flew. Now I knew what it's like to feel like your feet don't even touch the ground.
She was sitting happy. Calm face on, smile in place, I asked. "Did someone take you?"
Smarmy. Little eyes squinting just slightly at me showing judgement, the information desk woman said. "She wasn't taken she was lost." I got Tee back and we walked away. We went over what happened and returned to the shop to thank the shopkeeper. By then we'd established that Tee had looked up from playing and didn't know where I was. She had taken herself out of the shop and a lady had taken her. A mature couple 'doing-the-right-thing' had taken my child. They didn't even look for me or ask about or wait. If they had just waited with her for a moment, reassured her that they could help her find her Mummy - Mummy would have found her.
I feel now for all those parents who have had their child taken, while their back is turned, while they look one way, while they go about knowing that under normal circumstances they wouldn't lose their child they love so much so they can feel their child's presence. In a moment, people can swing by and zap that connection zings and fades as they push in, and take the child further and further away.
My trauma was compounded when I returned to the information desk to ask about their policy, what they do when people bring children they think are lost. I needed to understand how this had happened? My suspicions were confirmed. The smarmy-judging woman could only vaguely report that Tee had been found 'wandering.' They had not had time to begin their questioning before our call came in. There was no understanding of the trauma caused to me. She called a security guard to listen to my complaints since to her I was just another deficient neglectful parent who had not taken good-enough care of my child.
If they have a policy for responding when children are handed in lost, then I think it should include:
I checked down the aisles, shoulder height pillars hiding places. There was a cave in the corner, I didn't look in there. I shot outside to the trolley we'd been using, which she'd already returned to once when she decided it was time to go. She wasn't there. She wasn't anywhere just outside or on the couches or in the aisles of the lolly stand out front, or left or right - she was gone. Taken, I realised as she was nowhere in sight. TAKEN. I asked a family seated eating ice cream. I went back to the lady in the shop. She said I could call security from inside but I wanted to stay where Tee could see me. I didn't think I should move from outside the shop where we'd last been together in case she popped up and I wasn't there. Anyway, which way should I run for her? Should I scream for her?
All the movies and stories of abducted children shot through my brain. I didn't want to panic, must stay calm, find her. I asked the shopkeeper to ring security and I rang my partner, mobile phone battery fading fast. Clipped, I splurted. "I'm at Sylvia Park. I've lost Tee. Where are you? Can you come?" I needed help, needed more people to help find her - stay at the shop while I run about.
I heard the shopkeeper say my name and knew Tee was there, with security, at the information desk. Safe. But, for 5, 7, 10 minutes - a small era - she'd been taken and a fear like a tidal wave had risen to swamp me and shock set in to keep it at bay. I ran at last to get my baby back, to find out what had happened. Anger pumped blood so fast I flew. Now I knew what it's like to feel like your feet don't even touch the ground.
She was sitting happy. Calm face on, smile in place, I asked. "Did someone take you?"
Smarmy. Little eyes squinting just slightly at me showing judgement, the information desk woman said. "She wasn't taken she was lost." I got Tee back and we walked away. We went over what happened and returned to the shop to thank the shopkeeper. By then we'd established that Tee had looked up from playing and didn't know where I was. She had taken herself out of the shop and a lady had taken her. A mature couple 'doing-the-right-thing' had taken my child. They didn't even look for me or ask about or wait. If they had just waited with her for a moment, reassured her that they could help her find her Mummy - Mummy would have found her.
I feel now for all those parents who have had their child taken, while their back is turned, while they look one way, while they go about knowing that under normal circumstances they wouldn't lose their child they love so much so they can feel their child's presence. In a moment, people can swing by and zap that connection zings and fades as they push in, and take the child further and further away.
My trauma was compounded when I returned to the information desk to ask about their policy, what they do when people bring children they think are lost. I needed to understand how this had happened? My suspicions were confirmed. The smarmy-judging woman could only vaguely report that Tee had been found 'wandering.' They had not had time to begin their questioning before our call came in. There was no understanding of the trauma caused to me. She called a security guard to listen to my complaints since to her I was just another deficient neglectful parent who had not taken good-enough care of my child.
If they have a policy for responding when children are handed in lost, then I think it should include:
- that people bringing children in are asked to pinpoint where they found the child, not just record that the child was 'wandering'
- that they are asked if they waited with the child for the parent and for how long?
I'd like to see the shopping mall management produce a leaflet suggesting the best course of action to follow if you find a child you think is lost:
- Stay with the child and reassure them you will help them find Mummy
- Wait with the child as their parent is probably looking for them. If they remove the child from the area, they could make if harder for the parent to find them.
- Ask the nearest shopkeeper to call security.
- Whilst, is is upsetting for a child who thinks they are lost, it is traumatic for a parent to find their child is gone. Don't act too hastily to whisk the child away. Look around for the parents first.
Hundreds of children are taken to the information desks in shops and malls every year. Some of them unnecessarily so - they are sped away literally while their parent's back is turned. In large malls, like Sylvia Park, it would be useful to have lost child/security meeting points at regular intervals along the strip, marked by indicator lights that could be flicked on. Then people, parents and security could meet at these point instead of having to go half a mile away extending the child and parents' separation/angst.
Tee is safe and I will get over the annoying after-effects of the shock. And sure, we will all be even more alert to each other's location when at public places again. As for Sylvia Park - it's now an unsafe place to go. An easy picking place for child-abductors.
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